Welcome back y’all

Hi friends! It’s been a while and I know my departure might seem a little abrupt, because it was. I was dealing with a lot in my personal life and one of the things I was dealing with was how my business fit into my life. And at the end of the day, it doesn’t. At least not for the moment. My business will always be a huge part of who I am but it got to be too overwhelming and I couldn’t find my way out. And my gut was saying I needed to put it down for the moment and focus on me for a while. I had been so wrapped up in trying to make my business ‘successful’ that I had such a death grip on it. I didn’t know what successful meant to me. I still don’t. One day I will define that and I think I will be off and flying again. But in the meantime I needed to put it all down. And honestly? I thought I was done being the Chicken Librarian.

Anyway. I put the business to bed, so to speak. I closed out everything Chicken Librarian. And I’ve been able to clear my head now for a couple of months and figure out what it is that I want. I have worked on my mental health (YAY therapy!!). I have been trying to work on myself physically but it’s been very daunting. I started with trail runs with the dogs a couple of times per week. That’s helped. I just set up the gym in the garage and started back to lifting weights. Boy how I’ve missed that! I started prepping all my food at home and I take snacks and meals with me whenever I go out now. They’re not anything elaborate for the moment. Just some grain bowls for dinner, sandwiches for lunch, and different snacks (homemade trail mix, cheese and apples, cottage cheese, etc.). I keep my cooler in the van in the front floor so I have easy access. I am drinking more water now too. I think just overall focusing on bettering myself and taking care of me. I never did that before. I just stayed stuck in whatever loop I was in. Now I am able to get out of the loop much faster and see things clearer.

I am also working on figuring out my next steps. Where do I want to go next? What do I want to be? I could be a librarian again. I could work at a non profit. Which non profit? Who am I underneath all of this? What do I stand for? How do I want to show up in the world? I know I don’t want to show up the way I’ve been showing up. It’s not who I am as a person and it’s not sustainable. So I am cutting through all the crap and trying to find me again, as an almost 50 year old. I feel like I have been spinning my wheels for a long time and now I am ready to come to a stop and start building a whole new life. Not many people get this opportunity to be grounded in a place and take a big look around and do this. And I am grateful for the opportunity, and the lessons learned along the way.

And friends. There has been so many lessons learned. I feel the universe keeps putting lessons in my path. I am a bit of a hard learner sometimes, especially when it comes to life lessons. It’s also taken me a minute to adjust to being alone again. I lived with other people for the past 3 years so I haven’t technically been alone. My decisions that I’ve made have had to include the other person, which is fine. But when it came to being alone, on my own full time, and all the decisions I made only affected me, that was harder for me to adapt to! I know! I should have been all like ‘woohoo! I am footloose and fancy free’, but that’s not how I roll. When you go from making decisions based on other people to making every decision based on yourself, it can be a little scary. And you add in on top of that making decisions that affect your future in major ways (putting the business to bed, where do you go next, what do you want to do with your life now), it can be overwhelming. And I started identifying patterns in my life that needed to change too. So the universe has been challenging me these past few months, but I am up for the challenge, even though at times I didn’t think I was. But I am.

I was thinking recently, after taking a walk down memory lane, that if I’d told my 17 year old self that I would be capable of doing anything (ANYTHING!), she would have laughed. Power wash a house? She would have said no way. Fix things, like literally fixing things? She would have said you’re crazy. Lifting herself up and moving forward even when things are hard? She definitely would have said you’re crazy. But that’s who I am. That’s what life has taught me and I am so grateful that I am capable. Speaking of memory lane. I look back at those pictures of her throughout my teenage years through my early 20s and I see a girl who was hurt, but who was also fierce. She was capable in so many ways that I don’t feel capable now. I’m working on it, but I lost part of who I was. I saw this quote on Facebook this week and it really spoke to me: The first half of life is about becoming who you need to be to survive. The second half is about unraveling everything that no longer aligns with your soul’s purpose. That’s not a midlife crisis-it’s a rebirth. And friends, I am here to tell you that I am in the rebirth process.

I think that’s where we’ll end things today. i will be back with all kinds of updates. I am not sure this will be a farmsteading blog, maybe in the future we’ll get back to farmsteading. It will be a place for me to record this version of my life: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Just know I’ve missed you all and I’ve missed being the Chicken Librarian!

Before I completely wrap this post up, I have been driving around the Knoxville area a lot! I will give more details soon, but most of these pictures are from the times when the beauty is too great and I have to stop and take photos. I’ve also had this album and this album on repeat. Seems pretty apropos.

‘til next time
-k
xoxo